Bad Food, Bad Service. Let's dine out.

This rant was inspired by two contributing factors. The first being my craptastic dining experience over the weekend. The second being my unwavering hatred towards cookie cutter restaurants.

It is like playing Russian roulette when going out for supper. Some restaurants will poison you, others will give you shitty service, others will give you shitty food, others will wow you with all three. It seems that every restaurant that I walk into now a day is the same. Oh sure, they have different signs, and different locations, but their differences end there. Every restaurant seems to be a road house. If you disagree, then if only confirms my long held belief that you are and idiot with very little observational skills. Let me enlighten you.

When a person walks into one of these places we are all greeted by what seems to be the same "eye candy" of a girl. They all seem to be pissed at you for disturbing their conversation with their friend. No doubt that all hostesses are having the same mundane conversation at all of these restaurants. When a person walks in, they give you a look as if to say "Hey fucker, your disturbing me and my conversation." You get the same robotic question, "How many are in your party?" Why the hell can't they say something such as, "Thank you for coming to XYZ restaurant, I am Tiffany, how many are in your party this evening?" Instead they grab the menu and scurry off at a pace that would shock most Olympians. The only thing that should be scurrying is the mice that live in the kitchen. After you bump, trip and stumble through the poorly arranged table and chair combinations as quickly as you can you meet the grim faced hostess at what can only be described as the worst table in the restaurant. Once there you plop yourself into either one hell of an over-sized booth or an undersized wooden chair. If you don't get a booth be prepared for a wonderful experience of what I can only call bumper chairs. This game involves every person who walks past you bumping your chair and every waitress has to come within inches of dumping something on you. Half the time the booth is so long that you have to do some sort of Michael Jackson ass slide moon walk just to get somewhere away from the edge. The fact that most of them are either as hard as a church pew or as soft as some Sheik's Harem pillow that you just know that either you’re in for a bum numbing experience or fellow table dwellers are going to have to excavate you from your location. Both of these are only a prelude to what is coming your way. Once seated the hostess disappears better than David Copperfield at one of his shows. Why the hell can't the hostess tell me the specials or lie to me and tell me what her favorite dish is and why. It is her job to build the excitement within the customer. These stupid bitches are supposed to set the mood for all diners. Fire these dim witted girls and hire ex- strippers. Strippers know how to build some excitement. They know how to make a customer feel welcome and happy. Shit, if you are lucky you might even get a reach around. Get your dirty mind out of the gutter. I am trying to draw a comparison. You sick fuck. I know within seconds of walking in the door and seeing the hostess if my experience is going to justify the small fortune I am going to have to pay. The hostess should be planting seeds and ideas in my mind such as desserts, wines, and appetizers. This is also the waitress’s job; my ideas on the waitress come later.

The table you are seated at is always so greasy that it can double not only as a table but also a slip and slip for midgets. If you are lucky enough you might even dine at a restaurant that covers its table tops with what can only be describe as a sister to the wax paper that doctor’s use on their examination tables. Most of the time this paper table cover is accompanied with crayons. Personally, I stopped using these stupid things when I finished public school. Perhaps they feel that children need something to do when they come to a restaurant. Guess what, I don't give a fuck. I don't come to a restaurant to play with art supplies. I have to suffer with this shit because parents don't know how to control or parent their children. That is for another rant. In short get the God damn art supplies of my supper table. Why can't the hostesses or waitress or the self important manager clean off the greasy table and menus. I said clean, not wipe off the table and menu. Using some dirty, smelly rag to wipe things off does not make them clean. I don't use the same square of toilet paper to continuously wipe my ass. This does not make anything clean. Use some soap and fricken water. Do not insist on wiping the table after I have been seated at it. That fucken pisses me off. Instead of talking to your friends you should be cleaning the tables before people sit at them. Holy shit, that is a marvelous idea. When you do wipe the tables off don't use vinegar or some other smelly liquid. I am sitting at the table and you wipe it with vinegar and now I have the sudden urge to eat French fries. Stop that shit.

Now that I am seated, I have to contend with the menu. Every time I see the waitress or hostess carrying a menu, I am reminded of the scene in The Ten Commandments when Moses walks down from the mountain carrying the two tablets. Why the fuck do they have to be so big. I mean these damn things are huge. They also have three or four pages in them. When I want to view the contents of the menu I have to fight with my fellow table mates for room on the table surface to spread them out. You spread out more than two of these giant menus and the table disappears. If you lose the table space game and choose to hold the menu upright, you now are in your own cubicle or study carol. Once I get the fucker open I am bombarded by useless words describing the food. I do not mind words such as grilled, roasted, or sautéed. Those words help me decided what I will order. The useless words I am referring to would be words such as, tender, succulent, and juicy. I am always under the false pretense that the food would or should be tender, succulent and juicy. Don't tell me that it will be, it is my job to tell you if it is. Don't try to Vulcan mind fuck me with these useless words. Remove some of these useless words and either replace them or get rid of them all together, thus reducing the size of this imported car sized menu. Another idea to reduce the size of the menu would be remove the pictures. I am going to shock you for a moment. I already know what a burger and salad look like. I don't need a picture to refresh my memory. I am not from Pakistan I have eaten most of these things before, therefore I know what they look like. Even if I haven't, part of the dinning excitement is the anticipation of the presentation of the food. The picture always looks better then the food that gets dropped in front of me. Having the picture only lets me down. I get my food and say to myself, Shit it looked better in the picture. Remove the picture and you remove the disappointment. If you cannot convince me with words of what I should order then you are using the wrong words. I have another idea that would reduce the menu size but that comes later. If you think that this woolly mammoth sized menu is it, you guessed wrong. There is always something they call table tents. Don't know what that is, look next to the Salt and Pepper shakers. There is always another smaller menu containing either the wine list and or desserts. Don't put that shit on the table. Have the waitress present that to me. That way she can build some excitement around it. As for the wine list, if you think that some picture of a fuzzy label on a wine bottle is going to get me to order the wine, you think wrong. Once again I have been to a liquor store I know what a wine bottle looks like. Here is a great idea, put wine suggestions next to or near the main entrees. Next to your T-bone steak description you could suggest to me what wine to get and describe it using real words would best compliment the steak. This would encourage me to order wine, far more than the dim witted waitress simply asking me if she can get me something to drink. More about the waitress later. Why does the menu have to be hermetically sealed in some cheap binding? I have many better ideas on menu binding and presentation, I simply don't have to time nor do I have the inclination or continue on about the menu.

Once a person has muddled their way through the menu, we are always introduced to either one of two types of waitresses. The first being a lazy fucken idiot and the latter being a stupid fucken idiot. The difference being the stupid one smiles. They straight away ask me, "What can I get for you?" Holy fucken sheep shit. Back up the train. First, tell me your name, not that I give a shit I just don't want to yell "Hey, Fucktard" when I need to call you over. Second, thank me for coming to the restaurant, don't forget I might have a moment of stupidity and feel the need to tip you. Thank me in advance. Also don't ask me what you can get me. Tell me the special, or wow me with your favorite menu selections and tell me what wine you would drink with it. You could tell me what your last customers chose and how they loved it. Here is a better idea tell me what would be a good starter, something that might help prepare and cleanse my palette before I have my main course. Or even suggest a cocktail while I further decide upon what I might order. Being a waitress is not just a matter of bringing me my food but you should also entertain and keep some excitement going on. I should rely on you to suggest to me the various combinations that the menu has to offer that will best impart to me the culinary experience that your chef wants to impart. The way in which you do these things is endless. I only mention a few because there are many more things that I need to teach you about being a good waitress. After you have dazzled me with your knowledge or lack thereof pertaining to the menu you should also quickly bring my drinks. Also make sure that I have all the utensils and other such things on my table that I will need to enhance my experience. Don't bring to me my drinks in a piece meal fashion. Bring everyone’s drink and or food items at the same time. If you can't do it yourself get help. It makes other diners at the table unfuckencomfortable when one person doesn't have their drink or food item. I feel guilty when I have my food sitting in front of me and my wife does not. I have to wait until she gets hers because unlike you I am polite. Don't put this uncomfortable strain upon diners. It does not enhance my experience. Once I get my drinks and my starter has arrived bring glasses of water regardless of whether or not I have asked for it Visit my table with a fucken smile on your face and stop giving me the impression that I am inconveniencing you.

(This does not only apply to restaurants. It applies to all service industries. I do not want a checkout person who is on the phone, nor do I want a sales associate who is talking to their buddy and simply points to where something is. Walk me to the fucken item. What you are doing is being one of the most rude, ignorant, self-centered, lazy, dumb fuckers around. I am not inconveniencing you I am putting money into the pockets of the greedy bastards that signs your pay cheques. You should be thanking me. Don't like your job, quit. If you don't quit remember that it is your job and you choose it. Also remember that you are getting paid to make me happy. Do all this with a smile. I am not paid to enter your store and not bother you. I am paying you so I can bother you. I swear the next time that I come across this kind of attitude I am going to lose it. Hang out with me and watch. We as consumers should not allow this. Wonder who these dumb fuckers are? They are your children, your friends, your sister and your brother. Yell at yourself for not correcting their behaviour, because I am going to. All this shit is caused by poor parenting and a whimpy society. No wonder the terrorists are winning. They have bigger balls, they are pushier, and they demand more from themselves. )

Waitresses should stop by my table often; stop by during the different courses, and check to see how things are going. Don't be pulling this David Copperfield shit on me. It is uncomfortable for customers to have to ask and call over waitress to bring them something when it is your job to makes sure I have everything. How fucken stupid can you be? I should not have to point out your inabilities or lack of observational skills to you. One last thing about waitress because just like the menu, the list can be endless. I am amazed at how mentally retarded waitress are. I mean if I want to go to a restaurant where retards work I will go to Harvey’s. If you as a waitress walking past a table, I don't give a shit if it is yours, and you notice, which is also a small fucken miracle, that there are empty plates on the table, then remove the used plates and let me know that you will notify my waitress that we are finished. Here is the rule for waitress. When you leave the kitchen, have full hands, when you enter the kitchen have full hands. Do all the above with a smile on your face and be cheery. I have a shitty job too. I don't get paid to smile but you do. You give me a shitastic dining experience and I leave you a shitastic tip. Then you get pissed at me. I am not the asshole in that equation. You earn your tip; it is not assumed that I will tip. A tip is only there to express to you how I felt my experience was. Only if it is exceptional then you get a tip. All the waitresses who read this should read that last little bit twice.

I will try to keep the manager bit short, this is getting long and I still have to talk about the food. Mangers, what the hell do you people do? You don't or can't or won't train your waitresses properly, and you don't seem to visit tables to ensure happy customers. This is your job. Ask people what could have been improved. Then reassure them that it will be better when they return. If you see me return then make good upon your previous promise. A good manager knows at what stage of the dining experience every table is at. You should also be an expert sales person. You should be trying to sell me wine or dessert using your expert knowledge. Don't give me the same company line to try and sell me dessert that the waitress used. Also, you are there to assist the waitresses. Don't stand in the back yelling for more waitresses to come pick up food. Do it yourself. Once completed go find the waitresses. A good manager knows what every waitress is doing and knows their strengths and weaknesses. Managers should be expert waitresses themselves, not some asshole who has only waitressed for a short while and is on some ego trip. Your ego does not improve my dining experience. Once again there is more on this topic, but I need to drive forward.

I left the food for last. The food is the most important part of a restaurant. I never go to a restaurant for any other reason other than to eat. I don't go to a restaurant to compare the grease factor of menus, nor do I go to splash around in the piss that surrounds the urinal. Don't give me that bar and drinking bullshit, you know what I mean. I am going to go back to the menu, remember how painfully large the menu is? The idea I have to shrink the menu is as follows. Rather than have 20 starters and 20 pastas and 20 steaks and well the same shit but worded or rearranged differently than the guy down the road, you should have 5 starters and 5 main dishes. Have fewer menu items. Don't have 50 items that are made poorly just like the guy down the road, have 5 - 10 items on the menu that you do better than anyone’s else. Specialize in a few items; fill a particular niche that no one else has. This will improve business. I can eat pasta at East Side then I can eat pasta a Crabby Joe's and it all has the same plastic taste. If you were to do a blind taste test you would not know the difference. All the damn items at all the restaurants seem to be the same. This fucks with my wow factor when I dine at your restaurant. Everything seems to be greasy and poorly seasoned. Vegetables at Kelsey's are the same vegetables at East Side or Boston Pizza and so forth. All of these places have the same prepackaged or frozen vegetables that have been overly or under cooked then tossed in garlic butter. I have nothing against garlic butter but holy shit, the buns you brought me have the same garlic butter, along with the fish which is cooked in garlic butter, and don't forget the garlic brushed steak. I love garlic but there are a plethora of other flavors that you could use. I mean Holy Fucken Shit it. This is getting out of hand. If you had less items you could tweak and enhance them to be better. It almost seems to be a contest between restaurants as to who can reuse the same menu items in a different fashion to create a new dish. Guess what dopey if you use the same food ingredients, I don't care how you arrange them it is going to taste the same. Here is a better idea, why don't you change your menu. Better yet change it to reflect the season and change with seasonal foods. Also this salt and pepper shit has got to end. If you as a cook could season your food properly I would not have add seasoning. I am an eater not a cook I should not have to fix your food. If you paid your cooks properly you might get proper cooks, not some high school tattooed delinquent. I am tired of being asked if I want fries with that. I am not at McDonald's for Christ sake. If fries, mashed potatoes, and rice are your only alternative you might as well be the restaurant next door. Dishes should not have options such as these. All the items on my plate should complement each other. It is a package deal. I am just tired of eating the same thing no matter what restaurant I go to. I can get the same quarter chicken dinner at every restaurant on London Road. That is fucked. I have not gone into great detail with restaurant food. I could, most of my readers know that I have cooked for almost ten years and even went to school for cooking. The purpose of this rant was not for me to write a menu for these places but to point out my major piss offs.

Now if restaurants could fix all of these problems and more and still do it at a price that does not force me to sell my kidney then major accomplishments have been achieved. Most of the stuff that I have mentioned above is common sense. But as I have said more than a million times common sense is not common. Your average restaurant worker is a moron, not because of where they work but because the world is full of morons. I figure that everyone should automatically know everything that I have mentioned above, but if I did that I would be the moron.

Don't let the terrorists win. Invite them out to dinner.