Due to the fact that many of my close friends are having or have had babies and without a doubt will likely read this rant, I am sure that I am going to alienate and lose my friends. If my so called friends can’t get over it and accept me for whom I am then they are not really my friends anyways. This is my rant and it is for me. Be thankful we live in a free country were free speech is allowed. Also be thankful that we live in a society where we are encouraged to love our neighbor and forgive and forget. If you read this article and become unhappy then you are a hypocrite and a moron. Put on your sweater of love and understanding. Put on your water wings and get prepared. I am now unleashing the flood gates.
For years I've ranted about parents giving stupid baby names to their children. It's one of the reasons that certain people should not be permitted, by law, to procreate. Edmonton Journal featured an article on the top Alberta baby names for 2003. Titled Now who’d name their child Zxyrill? (good question, and a sad one at that), the article not only highlights stupid names, but the bizarre trend of parents to create variant spellings on a name, as if in doing so, they have bestowed some special individuality on their poor, unsuspecting child.
Examples from the article:
Aidan was chosen by the parents of 130 baby boys born in Alberta in 2003. Others chose Aaden, Adan, Aden, Adin, Adyn, Aedan, Aeden, Aedyn, Aiden, Aidin, Aidon, Aidyn, Aydan, Ayden, and Aydon.
Proud Alberta parents named 114 girls Abigail. Others went with Abbegale, Abbeygael, Abbigael, Abbigayle, Abbi-Gayle, Abbygail, Abbygale, Abigael, Abigale and Abigayle.
That sound you just heard was me, screaming. Sorry, hope I wasn't too loud. What's missing from these two lists are variations like Ehdin, A'dyn, Aaddinn, and Haidan, where the parents advise their poor kid that the "H" in his name is silent.
One boy in Alberta was named Connnor. Yes, there are three "n"s in his name. Another girl was named Lexus-Nykole. Among the baby names for boys, registered in Alberta in 2003: Blade (part vampire), Boston (where he was conceived), Caprice, Chaos, Coletrane (jazz fan?), D. (yes, with the period), Dee-Jay (radio fan?), Dilbert (likes the funnies?), Diesel (likes Vin?), Denzel (obvious), Ebenzer (is that a typo?), Exzavier (wanted to ensure correct pronunciation), Fox and Foxx (one's parents like Mulder, the other Redd), Freedom (Woodstock outtake), Frost, Genesis ("there must be some misunderstanding..."), H. (will he meet D. someday?), Hillary (this kid will get teased), Houston (will he meet Boston someday?), J.R., Jetli (martial arts fan?), Jonathn (typo?), Journey (did they ever tour with Genesis?), K.C. (also KC), (NOTE: The Ks have many bizarre variations on many names beginning with C), Lucky, Madeleine (he'll need to team up with Hillary), Man, Maxxam (palindrome), Memphis (ok, geothematic stuff happening here), Neo (Matrix fan?), Oblio (old Nillson fan? "Me and My Arrow..."), Ocean, Osama (er, um...), Ozzy (70s headbanger?), Pure (?), Phoenix (continuing with cities), River (perhaps he'll be in the same class as Ocean), Shady, Shooter, T. (ok, so maybe D., H., J.R., K.C., and T. will form a rock band called The Initials), Thunder, Tiger, Tolkien (could become friends with J.R.), Trigger (will become friends with Shooter), Wang (there was also a Chung, please, please let them become friends, too!), Xyler (what, Tyler isn't good enough?), Zyler (ok, you win).
More variant spelling examples: Braden: Bradyn, Braedan, Braeden, Braedon, Braedyn, Braiden, Braidin, Braidon, Brayden, Braydin, Braydon, BrayDyn. What, Braydan wasn't good enough? What about Breigh-Dann?
Among the baby names for girls, registered in Alberta in 2003: A., Arizona-Rayne, Babe, Bay-JA (my name is spelled capital b, small a, small y, hyphen, capital j, capital a), Becca (that had to happen, in addition to destroying spelling, parents are now chopping up names as well), Brie (name your kid after cheese?), Brooklyn (ok, when did naming a girl after an NYC borough become popular? And the variations? Migod... Brookelyn, Brooke-Lyn, Brooke-lyn, Brooke-Lynn, Brooke-lynne, Brooklin, BrookLyn, Brook-Lyn, Brook-lyn, Brooklynn, Brooklynne. They forgot Broocklinne), Charisma (no pressure on this kid), Charlize (nicely timed), Colby (another cheese), Desert (will have to date Ocean or River), Dwyshina, Dylynn (aghh!), Georga (another typo?), Ice (will be in contention with Desert to date River or Ocean), Island, Isabell'a (is that pronounced Isabell-AHHH?), J'dynn (a Klingon?), Jewelyanna, Jor-el (isn't that Superman's father's name?), Jythsaint (try saying that while eating crackers), Kennedy (and Kenadee, Kenady, Kenedy, Kennadi, Kennedi - shoot me now), Leaf, November (month she was conceived), Ocean (and Oceana, Oceanna, Océanne), Orielle-Floriane, Peris, Poetry, Prescious (are the parents named Gollum and Smeagol?), Promise, Rabeaca (if this is a variation on Rebecca, the others include: Rebbeca, Rebbecca, Rebecka, Rebeka, Rebekah, Rebekka, Rebekkah, and Rebeccaanne - spare a hyphen, maybe?), Sappho (are they expecting her to bat for the same team?), Sarah-Lee (future cake baker?), Shaquille (c'mon, she's a girl, dammit!), Sparrow (first thing the parents saw after leaving the teepee), Solaris, Storm, Sunshine (they must become friends), Swastika (oh-my-God; maybe she'll have it changed, or shortened to "Tika"), Teardrop, Ty'r (Klingon again?), White, and Zowie.
If you have made it this far I am extremely happy and excited. I am not even finished yet. I visited a website that was dedicated to baby names. At this website people could post comments and questions about baby names. Well here are the questions followed by the comments that I made. I sure hope that it helped the future parents.
C: What about Bubba for a boy. a great unusual name
A: Since when did your Ozark shack get Internet access? Or electricity, for that matter?
C: am 7 months pregnant, and I am having a boy. I think i'm going to name my son Kakinston ,, What do you think... ??
A:Besides sounding like a former Central Asian Soviet republic bordering Uzbekistan, it aids small bullies immensely starting the kid's name with KACK.
C: I named my first daughter Odessa and my second daughter Blaze and i have gotten wonderful comments from parents at school and work.
A: Could it be because all the parents at school and work are ALSO Louisiana strippers?
C: a person of Scottish descent, I am just curious - are all you ladies naming your daughters Mackenzie (or Mykenzie, or Makenzy,ect) out of some loyalty toScotland? Or perhaps just a love for haggis? Just curious.
A: Do you honestly think someone naming their daughter Makenzy could find Scotland on a map?
C:would like to know what is wrong with the name Lance.? my sons names is lance and he is very proud of it
A: Is a name something one is proud of? I'm proud of achievements, not of being bold enough to have a name. Hell, it's a bolder move to NOT have a name. But then again, with this person for a parent, Lance should be proud of any accomplishment he can find. Also the start of a great porno name.
C: I've looked at all these comments about people who hate certain spellings, pronunciations, and strategic placings, and I just don't know what to think. When my wife and I had our first daughter, I was lucky enough to name her after a word I fell in love with from middle school. Terra was the word, but I chose not to go with the spelling, and "Tara" didn't appeal to me. I choose Taira, and my wife chose Rose for her middle name. "A flower of the earth."
My second daughter, blessed be, was a bit tougher. Many months went by, and finally, at Thanksgiving dinner, my mother suggested a name from Pippi Longstocking. With a few changes, we came up with Onika Marie. ...It's what special about these names that keep them alive. Would we ever think about changing their names? Not in a heartbeat. That'll be their decision in the future. We're just a guiding light.
A:"A flower of the earth." As opposed to those flowers that grow out in space. God, I hate Wiccans sometimes.
Oh yeah, and special names keep the kids alive, apparently. How do you go from Pippi Longstocking to Onika Marie with a few changes? If a few you mean erase the entire name a begin anew. Moron
C: I am having a girl in March. Name is going to be Kali. Can't decide on middle name.
A: Isn't Kali some sort of Hindu underworld deity? A+ on research
C: I like the name Jayden for a girl and Jaden for a boy. I'm also thinking of other bisexual names.
A: To easy, this child is going to be an Emo, that reminds me of another three letter word, but let us try Fayden.
I do hope my above rant is self explanatory. Just in case it is not then I ask the following. Please stop naming your child after random objects. Please stop trying to defy the laws of English. Please stop trying to be creative. Are people playing spin the bottle, whatever the bottle is pointing at is what they name their child? Have parents forgot what it is like to be a child. Don’t put your child through a lifetime of ridicule. You are not being trendy or creative. You are being stupid, don’t worry if you are not present to prove this your child’s name will do it for you. As a side note running spell check on this rant was impossible.
Don’t let the terrorists win. Name your child T’rrist, Tearorst, Teroarst, Tear-roar-est, Sorry but I have to say it, Fuck me.
0 comments:
Post a Comment