Happy politically correct Halloween

Today is a great day to be a kid. You get to dress up in some crazy costume then beat on peoples doors while they throw candy at you. I can remember the excitement as if it was yesterday. My heart was racing and my blood sugar was through the roof. I would running as fast as I could from house to house, always trying to get one last house in before I quit for the night. Once I was home I would separate my candy into different piles. One pile was for chocolate another for crappy apples that may or may not contain razor blades. I had a pile for chips, and a pile for cans of pop. Sometimes if you was lucky enough I could trade with my friends; trade two bags of plain extra salted chips for a full size chocolate bar or some other such combination. If I was careful enough I could ration out my stash of candy till the end of November. As I sit here I recall that it wasn't about the costume, it was about the candy. Sure, before the actual day of sugar bliss it was about the costume. Your friend would tell you what they were dressing up as and you would reply with an equally scary costume idea. But once the day came we were all equal. We did not measure each other by our costume. We used the amount of candy to determine how successful one another had become.

I am sure that if you have read my previous rants, by now you are asking yourself where is the sarcasm, the hate, the anger, and the swear words. I am turning over a new leaf.

I want to propose a few Halloween costume ideas for adults as they venture off to their respective Halloween parties.

Raggedy Ann. This costume clearly objectifies women.

Werewolf. Offensive to animal advocates and those with male-pattern baldness.

Skeleton. Exhibits an insensitivity toward those with eating disorders.

Angel. Mocks religion and the religious.

Dracula. Endorses the irresponsible practice of transmitting bodily fluids.

Ghost. Glorifies the occult not to mention the obvious KKK connection.

Cowboy. Encourages violence, cruelty to animals and spontaneous "whooping." and would offend anti-gun people not to mention Indians.

Pirate. Distasteful to those with hooks for hands and the vision impaired (wearers of eye patches), not to mention parrot owners.

Zombie. Disrespectful of the dead.

Princess. Contributes to myth that women must be "rescued" to live happily ever after (same goes for Snow White); also insulting to certain Jewish-Americans.

Baby. Promotes a lack of respect for youth, human life and those who drool voluminously.

Halloween is a time when the MAJORITY carelessly offends the MINORITY. Some Christians, Muslims and people of other faiths see Halloween as a celebration of the dark arts. Wiccans feel that it marginalizes their deep-held beliefs. Shouldn't we be more sensitive to their needs, fuck no.

Drizzle mayo on your face and dress as an alter boy.

Jump into a dress, get blitzed, lose your underware, tape some lunch meat to your nether regions and call yourself Brittany Spears,Lindsay Lohen, or Paris Hilton.

Grab a wire coat hanger, straighten it out and presto you are Bob the Back-Alley Abortion Doctor.

Get a skelton costume, put fake puke down the front, carry a package of Ex-Lax, pin 3 Queens and 2 Jacks playing cards together on your back and go as Mary Kate Olsen.

Dress as Micheal Jackson and tape Macaulay Culkin to your crotch.

Also related. Dress as the Prime Minister and fuck everyone in the ass as they walk by.

Wear a sombrero and carry a leaf blower and put a Tequila bottle in your back pocket, now you are a Mexican.

Slip into a suit and tie, strap on a few dog collars to three women and now you are a polygamist.

Slide on a Superman costume, plop yourself into a wheelchair and presto you are Christopher Reeve.

Slap on a Catholic Priest uniform and call yourself Pedophile Pete.

Spin a towel on your head, strap on a bomb vest, call yourself, Akbar Ahmad Habib. You are now the Muslim Fundamentalist Terrorist.

I am going as the latter. Have a good Halloween.

Expecting more? Don't we all. Learn to live with disappointment, that is what life is all about.

Don't let the terrorists win..... Dress as one.